What Needs to Change in Your Life Right Now and How it Can Happen

   Marriage/Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman,  say's "Small steps done consistently over time produce big change" it's a truly great saying and if you will, a great word picture.  No one won a marathon in the first mile, but plenty have lost it there by starting too fast.  Most people are impatient when it comes to change, I know that I can be.  Between the expectations we place on ourselves and others, along with the pain and dis-satisfaction of how things are going currently, it certainly can lead to impatience and dis-satisfaction. We see health club memberships surge in January and then get canceled with penalties by March, all because we expect to see quick measurable change and then when we don't we give up entirely.

When it comes to marriage, the reality is that small steps that are done consistently over time will produce big change.  It's also true that if people reach a strong enough level of pain they will desire change. Too often they think I married the wrong person so the change starts with an idea and can eventually lead to "I just don't love them anymore." The problem is us, not them!!!  A statement I use often in helping people who want change in their life is "Pain is a great motivator for change, but pain is subjective. Some people can handle a lot of pain, and some people only a little, the question becomes How much pain are you willing to have before you are willing to change the way things are?

So, if can admit you are in enough pain to change, that's great, but not enough. great because now you  need accountability and on-going encouragement. fixing things alone is not the answer.  Who can encourage, exhort, mentor or coach you through your problem in order to see you through the change you desire?  Stop right here and consider making a list of changes you need to make and make a short list of trusted people to be involved.  Welcome back, now you should break down step by step, or day by day what change looks like and what can happen if they are made and sustained.  Here's what I mean; if you want a more encouraging relationship with your spouse, than you are going to have to make a detailed goal "I will give verbal or written praise to my spouse at least 3 times per day for the next 7 days."  Use a tracking system where you can check these off, or least have a system that works for you that you can check off until.......it becomes a habit.  The cool thing about this is that it effects you for sure, you will become a more encouraging person, but it will effect your spouse too.  And that was the goal all the time.  EVERYONE WINS!!!

I encourage you to be specific, to have an agreement and to have encouraging accountability to make this work.  Use a bullet journal or write these out in your quiet time journal, write a reminder/alarm to go off on your phone, but if you really want change you will need specificity, agreement, encouragement and accountability. Over a prolonged time period change will occur.  Giving up a diet after 10 days when it calls for 60 will be quite discouraging, have someone walk alongside you through the 60 days.  Here is your guide to seeing this happen;

1. Identify the pain/the problem that needs change.
2. Determine what life would be like if this change were made and sustained?
3. Ask someone into your life to help you set the attainable short term goals to reach the long-term change.
4. Make the plan together and agree on their role throughout this.  Include what happens when they see you start to lose focus and or hope.  What do you want them to do/say if you start backing off?
5. Put it in front of you (journal, phone alarm, something you can see) and practice this until it become habit.

Psychologists used to say that you need 30-45 days to create a habit, and you only need a couple to break it.  Stay the course!  Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision the people cast off restraint."  Left foot, right foot, here you go!

Dad's - You want to do better and here's a simple way you can.

Dad's, how fast would you say the pace of life is for you right now?  I believe you are like most men in that you are doing everything you can to keep up, and if truth were truly told, you would admit, you are surviving, but barely.  There just isn't enough of you to go around in your job, your marriage and the time you need to give to your children.  Another year goes by and you live with regret, stuff it as deeply as you can and shuffle along with this low grade ache you just don't want to deal with, so you don't.  It's too hard.  The importance of being able to think and plan beyond the here and now is so important versus living in the details of today.  It's a balancing act frankly and most of us struggle with.  Your job takes the biggest part of your day, focus and energy, and in order to be a good provider and make a big deal of Jesus where you work, you need to. Than there is marriage, being a Dad, your other relationships (family, friends) and hobbies, there is little time or energy left for anything or anyone else is there?

Question - How do you treat, honor, protect, respect and admire your wife?  What would she say?

Question - Will your kids determine how they will treat or be treated by their spouse by how you treat yours?  How confident are you that you will like what they have picked up from you?

Question - Does your wife get treated by you the way she truly desires?  Have you even discussed what those desires are?

The other day I had just finished counseling with a couple and as we all walked out to the parking lot I noticed they both got into the car at the same time.  Big miss!!! I want to do my best to open Karyn's door every time.  Any door!  She should expect and want to be honored in this simple way.  She is easily capable of opening her own door and it takes more time to get where we are going by opening her door first, walking around the car and then getting in my door.  But....what's the best thing?  Are there other things we husbands can do in treating our wife with love, respect, honor and having her feel special?  Lots of them.  Make a list together.  It's a lost art and I am afraid that kids are picking up the wrong things by watching their Dad not doing what could/should be done.

 Here is where it plays out, one day your daughter will have a significant other, this guy will be sweeping your daughter off of her feet and you will land in one of two places with this initially.

1. He will treat her as good if not better than you do your wife.
2. He will not treat her with honor and you will notice.
3. What you do NOW in modeling the right thinks matters for the present and the FUTURE!

The same can be said if you have a son, he will pick up how you treat his Mom and will most likely treat his sweetie the same way.  How would you feel?,   As Dad's we know we'll never get it completely right, but WE DO WANT TO LEAVE A LEGACY and this is one great way to do so. 

Treat your wife the way she desires (and a little bit more)  she may not even know how to be treated because her Dad didn't do a good job with her Mom.  But, she knows, she watches movies and TV shows and see's the right and wrong ways to be treated.  Go the extra and watch out!  Great things will happen, and IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!   If you already know you've not done well, confess it, admit it, and ask her how she desires to be treated.  Take notes, write it down and figure out a course correction.  The other great thing that will happen is your kids will pick up on this.  Treat your daughter how she should be treated, teach and talk to your son about how to go about doing this!  YOU CAN DO THIS!  And everyone wins!

How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating

While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid.  And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too.  But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!!  I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished.  How did they survive?

Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it.  Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating?  Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily.  Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay.  If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon.  Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage.  What makes a marriage alive and thriving?  What would you say to this question?  You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws.  Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.

Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage?  When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids,  your focus turns to them more than your marriage.  These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating.  The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few.  Interested?

1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.

2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.

3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language.  To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).

4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other.  Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage.  Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.

 Now, go practice these few things, do your part.

*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling.  Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.

Into Africa We Go!

God commands it, and we are compelled to go!

When I was a kid growing up in a small Midwest town, occasionally a missionary would visit the small church our family attended, I remember thinking how wild it was that people would go to 3^rd world places like Africa to help meet needs and share the great news of Jesus.  Back then, the world was so big and far-away places seemed…so far away.  Now of course, every place is so accessible, but the needs are as great as before. I am excited to tell you that Karyn and I are going to Kenya June 14-23^rd to meet felt and real needs in a remote village that just recently got their first water well, this can bring major hope for these people. But that’s not all they need.  We are partnering with Inour church and an organization called Choose to Invest.  Would you consider praying for us and our team of seven?  Would you also pray about supporting us?   We are trusting God greatly for the finances to make this command to go a reality.  Here is the link if you would like to show generosity.  This is Karyn’s very first foreign missions trip and she is excited and we are really trusting God in all of this.  We will share more in the near future. Thank you!

Putting Your Parenting Priority In the Right Place

That title sure has a lot of P's in it!  Pheww!!  Chances are most of you reading this got married before you had children.  If not, you can still read on.  When you married you fell in love with the person you wanted to be with all of the time and your relationship was a huge priority.  Rarely did many things come before anyone or anything else.  Immediately after you got married you had to make the adjustments you needed to go from the single life to the married life and you found your place of balance.  And then...

Then you had a baby, and maybe more babies.  And as we all know, babies are completely dependent on us for everything!!!  Of course we have to give them all the attention they need so they can be fed, burped and changed.  Remember though that you need to keep the main the main thing it was when you started, your marriage must always come before your kids.  One of the main tasks of parenting is to teach your kids how to make good decisions, not make them for them. And when they have started to get it, you actually have less to do and that leaves room for more couple-time!!!

Right now you are living together as a family but, the reality is that one day your kids will leave.....for good.  Some of you may be wanting that day right now. I get it, parenting is so much work!! I remember when I was a young parent how the older parents would say to us, "they grow up quick, enjoy them now while you can."  I thought they were joking, they weren't.   

You kids will become adults and will be determining whether your home is a place they can't wait to visit often or a place they are going to avoid like the plague.  What kind of marriage you have, how well you love one another, how connecting and nurturing it is right now will help them determine later whether they will come back or not.  Got it? And btw, I love the empty-nestor years, I admit it, its even a little bit selfish, I GET MY WIFE ALL TO MYSELF AND I LOVE IT!!!  But I also love it when the kids and grandkids love to visit!!!  I really do!!!

It may be a really great time to schedule a check-in with your spouse, and if you are brave enough ask your kids for feedback too, and carefully speak the truth in love and do active listening about what is being shared.
Here are some areas you may want to consider evaluating;

* Is our home a place we look forward to coming to or a place to avoid?
* Is there consistent laughter going on inside our home?
* Do people scatter to their rooms for privacy or do you find yourselves in a common area a lot?
* Is there a lot of yelling/screaming and nagging, or are words of encouragement spoken more often?
* Do our kids invite friends over a lot or are they more likely to want to go their friends house?
* Does our family scatter quickly after meals or do we linger?
* Are you more likely to discuss chores and homework progress rather than the feelings and highs and lows of each other's day?
* Is appropriate physical affection shown between you and your spouse?  Do your kids see you         hugging and kissing often?  They need to see this!!

I think you get the idea.  NOW is when you want to see where you are, not later.  Make the adjustments you will need to make so that when your kids are older they will want to come back to visit. Here is one thing you can do now if you are not that will really help - consistently date your spouse.  Make your kids a little envious that you love spending time together and alone.  Make them proud that you love each other enough that you leave them to go be together.  Your consistent dating actually gives them a great big sense of security that everything is okay between the two of you.  When you have spent a lifetime making each other a priority, the transition to becoming empty-nestors will be a simpler one, and then the two of you will enjoy each other even more when it's just the two of you.  Parent well by all means, be on the same page, teach your kids responsibility and all the other things healthy parents do. Now go and be a great example to follow so that when it's their turn they will do the same.

Finding Your Way Back to the Marriage You Wanted

The old saying "The grass is greener on the other side", is actually a pretty unhealthy saying because it reflects envy and comparison, it doesn't tell a story of commitment in landscaping and especially  when it comes to marriage. Read the quote below and let's you and I adopt this saying instead of the old one.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not merely endured, it should show each of us what is very good about the other, but it can also shine a pretty bright light on what is NOT so good about us.  For most of us, when we were dating and courting we made sure that the only thing the other person saw was the best of us not the worst parts of us. If we are not transparent about both our positives and our not so positives it becomes a trap in the future. That can ruin many a relationship if we don't realize that having hopes and expectations are not bad unless we communicate and agree on them.

 One major problem for most couples is that they really have no idea what the purpose of their marriage is, and so they drift, become functional, not relational and just a few years later they end up  - roommates.  If you haven't read our blog on vision and purpose for marriage, stop and read it here before you go on to the rest of this post.

"Okay, having a vision and purpose sound like a great idea, but right now we are barely surviving and we are no where close to thriving, can you please write something a lot more practical then theoretical?" Strap on your seat belt because here we go.

A very practical step is to consistently and sincerely encourage and build up each other rather than discourage and tear down. Many couples find themselves unhappy because they lost sight of what drew them together in the first place, and then they started fixating on the negative side they hadn't discovered early on.  Is that you?  It may be cliche' but true, GRATITUDE IS AN ATTITUDE.  One way to really get a positive cycle going in your marriage and stop the negative cycle is to start looking for and speaking up with what it is about your spouse that you really appreciate. 

 The Bible says "Therefore, encourage one a another and build one another up, just as you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11

Notice that it is presupposing you already are encouraging and building one another up. Somehow, someway we can get stuck looking for the things we see as wrong or we don't like about our spouse and start to focusing on those negative things instead of what is worthy of encouragement and building them up about. We all have much good and not good about ourselves, getting in the habit of showing grace instead of pointing fingers becomes critical.  If you get stuck on the negative for too long you become a nag or just distance yourselves from each other and you become disconnected, doing your own thing and focusing on parenting or your job and not feeding your marriage/spouse good things.  Again, does this sound like you?  For most, the answer is probably yes, or you wouldn't still be reading.

"How do I turn this around?" Simply CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR FOCUS.  

You are not in charge of your spouse and it is not in your job description to change them.  That's God's job.  So, I am asking you into a 2 Week Challenge, all we want you to do is change your focus and attitude to one of gratitude and encouragement for your spouse.  No matter how they respond, or don't,  just pour on lots of SINCERE encouragement, build up who they are and what they do.  This will truly feed your marriage!  You may even tell them that you are going to change your ways and over the next two weeks you are focusing on becoming a more encouraging spouse. Try this for two weeks you give yourself a daily target goal of at least 5 encouraging statements a day.  Watch out though, it may be more difficult than you think for you to give and your spouse to receive. and you may get some push back for the first 7 days. but then it will all of a sudden begin to energize you and your spouse.  WE all need sincere encouragement and we need it most from the one who loves us most. Let's check back in two weeks, feel free to leave a comment or ask a question between now and then.  At Turning Your Marriage from Surviving to Thriving we are here to help move your marriage to the place we all long for - THRIVING!

Your First Step Toward a Thriving Marriage

You are reading this because you want the most important earthly relationship to be thriving not merely surviving.  Over the years I have observed the following statistics to be fairly true; about 10% of marriages are in crisis and may not survive; about 80% are in survival mode, they are roommates and or parents but no longer crazy about one another; and only about 10% are truly thriving, those couples have the marriage most people really want for themselves.   Which of these 3 categories would you say your marriage is in?  What would your spouse say?  Is it the same?  Why don't you take a courageous step and ask instead of guess?  Have a heart to heart conversation about the most important earthly relationship you have.

  A GREAT BIG part of reviving a marriage is courage!  Most couples don't want to rock the boat, so month after month, year after year nothing changes or significantly gets better and so your coast, you settle, you endure, you barely get by.  The truth is this is NOT what you signed up for, it's not the idea you had in your minds when you took the plunge, popped the question or said yes to the proposal!! It's just not where you thought you'd end up, you promised "we will be different" but here you are!

Proverbs 29:18 basically says that without a vision, people perish.  Most couples have no vision for their marriage, and that's why most marriages perish.  But that's not you or you wouldn't have read this far or looked at this blog. Congrats!!  Twice a month we will publish a post that will give you practical ideas you can choose to use to turn your marriage into that 10% of marriages that thrive.  I must tell you that you didn't get in the place your marriage is in yesterday, and you will not get where you want to be tomorrow!  But..."Small steps done consistently over time will produce big change."  Believe it, it's true.

The first step involves asking God, yourself and your spouse what it looks like to have a Thriving Marriage.  One of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits is to "Think with the end in mind."  Here is your first exercise, seek God to give you both a vision, dream about what it would be like at your 50th Anniversary with people gathered around you and they are paying tribute about what they love about your marriage.  What would you love to hear them say?  That's what you need to write down!!!  Once you have that down on paper, start working backwards as to how you are going to actually hear those words.  Begin putting it into action!!

I recommend doing this together, not separately. I know, you may be saying, "but my spouse would never do this"  Actually, I find most couples think this but most likely your spouse knows your marriage is surviving too and truly wants a thriving marriage as well.  You both need to agree without placing blame,  agree that you are not in the marriage you want, but you want a better marriage with them.  Often people divorce and think their spouse was the problem.  Rarely is that true.  Take ownership of the things you have done or not done to place your marriage in the condition it is right now, confess it and work together on change.  Today is a new day and you can take steps together! Lastly, one thing I say often that is so true is this, 

If you want your marriage to work then you are going to have to work at your marriage.   Instead of fighting in your marriage, make the effort to fight FOR your marriage.

It's so worth the effort and time and investment!!!

Please feel free to comment, give questions and we will take time to answer each one.  Together, we are better.