Putting Your Parenting Priority In the Right Place

That title sure has a lot of P's in it!  Pheww!!  Chances are most of you reading this got married before you had children.  If not, you can still read on.  When you married you fell in love with the person you wanted to be with all of the time and your relationship was a huge priority.  Rarely did many things come before anyone or anything else.  Immediately after you got married you had to make the adjustments you needed to go from the single life to the married life and you found your place of balance.  And then...

Then you had a baby, and maybe more babies.  And as we all know, babies are completely dependent on us for everything!!!  Of course we have to give them all the attention they need so they can be fed, burped and changed.  Remember though that you need to keep the main the main thing it was when you started, your marriage must always come before your kids.  One of the main tasks of parenting is to teach your kids how to make good decisions, not make them for them. And when they have started to get it, you actually have less to do and that leaves room for more couple-time!!!

Right now you are living together as a family but, the reality is that one day your kids will leave.....for good.  Some of you may be wanting that day right now. I get it, parenting is so much work!! I remember when I was a young parent how the older parents would say to us, "they grow up quick, enjoy them now while you can."  I thought they were joking, they weren't.   

You kids will become adults and will be determining whether your home is a place they can't wait to visit often or a place they are going to avoid like the plague.  What kind of marriage you have, how well you love one another, how connecting and nurturing it is right now will help them determine later whether they will come back or not.  Got it? And btw, I love the empty-nestor years, I admit it, its even a little bit selfish, I GET MY WIFE ALL TO MYSELF AND I LOVE IT!!!  But I also love it when the kids and grandkids love to visit!!!  I really do!!!

It may be a really great time to schedule a check-in with your spouse, and if you are brave enough ask your kids for feedback too, and carefully speak the truth in love and do active listening about what is being shared.
Here are some areas you may want to consider evaluating;

* Is our home a place we look forward to coming to or a place to avoid?
* Is there consistent laughter going on inside our home?
* Do people scatter to their rooms for privacy or do you find yourselves in a common area a lot?
* Is there a lot of yelling/screaming and nagging, or are words of encouragement spoken more often?
* Do our kids invite friends over a lot or are they more likely to want to go their friends house?
* Does our family scatter quickly after meals or do we linger?
* Are you more likely to discuss chores and homework progress rather than the feelings and highs and lows of each other's day?
* Is appropriate physical affection shown between you and your spouse?  Do your kids see you         hugging and kissing often?  They need to see this!!

I think you get the idea.  NOW is when you want to see where you are, not later.  Make the adjustments you will need to make so that when your kids are older they will want to come back to visit. Here is one thing you can do now if you are not that will really help - consistently date your spouse.  Make your kids a little envious that you love spending time together and alone.  Make them proud that you love each other enough that you leave them to go be together.  Your consistent dating actually gives them a great big sense of security that everything is okay between the two of you.  When you have spent a lifetime making each other a priority, the transition to becoming empty-nestors will be a simpler one, and then the two of you will enjoy each other even more when it's just the two of you.  Parent well by all means, be on the same page, teach your kids responsibility and all the other things healthy parents do. Now go and be a great example to follow so that when it's their turn they will do the same.

Finding Your Way Back to the Marriage You Wanted

The old saying "The grass is greener on the other side", is actually a pretty unhealthy saying because it reflects envy and comparison, it doesn't tell a story of commitment in landscaping and especially  when it comes to marriage. Read the quote below and let's you and I adopt this saying instead of the old one.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not merely endured, it should show each of us what is very good about the other, but it can also shine a pretty bright light on what is NOT so good about us.  For most of us, when we were dating and courting we made sure that the only thing the other person saw was the best of us not the worst parts of us. If we are not transparent about both our positives and our not so positives it becomes a trap in the future. That can ruin many a relationship if we don't realize that having hopes and expectations are not bad unless we communicate and agree on them.

 One major problem for most couples is that they really have no idea what the purpose of their marriage is, and so they drift, become functional, not relational and just a few years later they end up  - roommates.  If you haven't read our blog on vision and purpose for marriage, stop and read it here before you go on to the rest of this post.

"Okay, having a vision and purpose sound like a great idea, but right now we are barely surviving and we are no where close to thriving, can you please write something a lot more practical then theoretical?" Strap on your seat belt because here we go.

A very practical step is to consistently and sincerely encourage and build up each other rather than discourage and tear down. Many couples find themselves unhappy because they lost sight of what drew them together in the first place, and then they started fixating on the negative side they hadn't discovered early on.  Is that you?  It may be cliche' but true, GRATITUDE IS AN ATTITUDE.  One way to really get a positive cycle going in your marriage and stop the negative cycle is to start looking for and speaking up with what it is about your spouse that you really appreciate. 

 The Bible says "Therefore, encourage one a another and build one another up, just as you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11

Notice that it is presupposing you already are encouraging and building one another up. Somehow, someway we can get stuck looking for the things we see as wrong or we don't like about our spouse and start to focusing on those negative things instead of what is worthy of encouragement and building them up about. We all have much good and not good about ourselves, getting in the habit of showing grace instead of pointing fingers becomes critical.  If you get stuck on the negative for too long you become a nag or just distance yourselves from each other and you become disconnected, doing your own thing and focusing on parenting or your job and not feeding your marriage/spouse good things.  Again, does this sound like you?  For most, the answer is probably yes, or you wouldn't still be reading.

"How do I turn this around?" Simply CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR FOCUS.  

You are not in charge of your spouse and it is not in your job description to change them.  That's God's job.  So, I am asking you into a 2 Week Challenge, all we want you to do is change your focus and attitude to one of gratitude and encouragement for your spouse.  No matter how they respond, or don't,  just pour on lots of SINCERE encouragement, build up who they are and what they do.  This will truly feed your marriage!  You may even tell them that you are going to change your ways and over the next two weeks you are focusing on becoming a more encouraging spouse. Try this for two weeks you give yourself a daily target goal of at least 5 encouraging statements a day.  Watch out though, it may be more difficult than you think for you to give and your spouse to receive. and you may get some push back for the first 7 days. but then it will all of a sudden begin to energize you and your spouse.  WE all need sincere encouragement and we need it most from the one who loves us most. Let's check back in two weeks, feel free to leave a comment or ask a question between now and then.  At Turning Your Marriage from Surviving to Thriving we are here to help move your marriage to the place we all long for - THRIVING!