You Can Only Give from What You Have

I believe we cannot help others if we haven't first taken good care of ourselves, and do so consistently.  Of course we are all in process and taking care of ourselves will take a lifetime. The question then becomes,  "when are we in a good enough place to take care of others?"  As an Enneagram 2, my sincere inner motivation is to always be on the look-out for people/situations to help, (even when it's not asked for).  I can choose to help either out of my healthy/sunny side or out of my darker/shadow self.  This is where self-awareness is critical.

Face it, our society here in the States is a very entitled people, and so we are on the look out for "what's in it for me." This doesn't work well at all in marriage and relationships, and this is one of the main reasons they fail!!!  Jesus call to us to give up our lives, "If you want to gain life, you'll have to lose it." is the idea.  I truly believe the number one reason couples struggle is selfishness and the number one cure is selflessness.  We are selfish creatures. 

There is a wonderful organization called I am Second.  God first, others second. I wish I could amend it to be honest, I would call it "I am Third".  God first, myself second and then others third.  Now that might sound selfish but hear me out and read from this passage in Matthew 22.

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Do you see it?  "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  How well we can love our neighbor is partly reflected in how well we love ourselves.  Of course we can overdo it on the self part, but honestly if there is nothing in our hearts to love others how can we love others well?  We love best because we are doing so out of a full heart, a healthy heart.  One piece of advice I give frequently is "self-care/soul care is not selfish because we cannot give what we do not have".  Consistent physical exercise,  regularly stimulating our minds, the daily feeding of our heart/soul with God's word, Godly music. life-giving reading materials, hanging out with people who are life giving all do this.  But in our demanding and fast-paced lives we rarely make time for this and then we wonder how we snapped at those we love, or get mad in traffic, or the expectations we hold people to and when they don't come through we lose it.  I believe it's because we have not fed ourselves.  

Take time to feed yourself literally everyday so that you can be a deposit/investor in those lives around you that matter the most.  Especially your spouse.

How to truly make everyday Valentines Day

Valentines Day - the Big Set Up. It's marketed big time and lots of money is spent celebrating this day for couples.  What it is supposed to do is help us set aside one day to express in special ways the love we have for our loved one. I get it, but isn't that what we are supposed to do anyway everyday?  I mean life is short and tomorrow is not a for sure thing.  My wife Karyn and I have as a part of our Marriage Vision Statement that we would out love and out serve each other everyday. Speaking one another's primary love language but being fluent in all 5 really helps.  We can make one day a little more special like Valentine's Day, but...what we have and hopefully what you have is already incredibly special.  Keep the passion going by being grateful everyday, one day you won't. be able to.  The "death to the end, until we part" thing will happen, one of you will go first and the one left behind doesn't have to have regrets about "I wish I had one more day to live with you, or one more time to tell you how much you mean to me."  Live it now, express it now, tell them now!!!

You and I have today!  Use it up, don't hold back, out love and out serve one another so that they are convinced of your love for them and so that everyone looking in thinks to themselves "I wish I had what they have."  "......the Greatest of these is LOVE!" I Corinthians 13:13

What if...

What if Jesus was your wife's husband?  How differently would she be as a Child of God, wife, mother, daughter, friend etc.?  Probably very differently?  Well men, the great news is this, we are commanded to love our wives as Christ loved the church.  Ephesians 5:25-28 (Message)

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church-a love marked by giving not getting.  Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.  Everything He does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling while silk, radiant with holiness.  And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.  They're really doing themselves a favor-since they're already "one" in marriage."

I know we will never measure up to the way Christ loves, but together we can make progress.  That's right, together, you don't have to walk this husband thing alone.  We have marriage mentors who though not perfect in marriage, are solid and are trained, they are caring and compassionate and want to see your marriage thrive.  There are counselors and there are safe buddies you can discuss this with.  We are all this journey, we might as well admit it and join in together to support, encourage and exhort one another.  I'll be glad to help connect you with others, and if you can't find someone, I'll be glad to walk with you.  I will because I need sharpening and encouragement too.

What do you say?  Are you willing in this new year to begin to love your wife as Christ would/does?  Surrender is a great start.  I believe our role to be impossible without the working of the Holy Spirit alive and kicking in us.  I believe it's impossible unless we have a real and intimate relationship with God each and everyday.  Being in the word of God in ways that actually bring about change.  Praying in a way that is intimate, honest and trusting/full of faith.  So as we surrender and lean in on what God wants to do in us, then for us and finally through us (one step and day at a time) you will begin to love your wife as Christ does the church.  She will be so ready for this and if you have kids, they need to see you step up and model what this looks like so they have a fighting chance as well when they have the chance to choose a spouse.

What if you stopped right now, dropped to your knees in surrender and asked God to begin this work?  What if starting today you did one Jesus like thing in loving your wife and then you did something else the next day?  What if your marriage could be God honoring and fulfilling?  What if?

New Practices Produce New Results

I have a saying; "Predictability Breeds Boredom".  Like driving the same way to work everyday and when you get home you don't even remember anything, the pictures that are on the wall that have been there forever and now you don't even see them.  Exercise programs that don't bring any new results because you keep doing the same thing the same way and you somehow expect different results.  Ok, so onto marriage.  You and your spouse have the same morning routine, evening routine and somehow you get to another year and wonder what happened.  Have I got you yet?

I know in my spiritual practices I must change my routines (even the ones that work) so I am staying fresh.  I know if I keep running the same routes week in and week out, I get bored and no improvement is happening in my times.  Duh!  So, it is with marriage.  Same arguments that never get resolved, just glossed over, same meals, restaurants, TV shows, same same same.  Romance is the same, maybe even your physical intimacy is exactly the same too.  WHAT TO DO?

I think a great idea is going to a marriage mentor or therapist, a marriage retreat, some sort of something that changes your perspectives.  Both of you.  They allow you to talk over things away from home that maybe are just too hard to resolve on your own in your home. Most couples are stuck.  Routine can get us there, granted some routines are good but even those need some consistent evaluation, some tinkering and sometimes even an overhaul.  Take a look together, as a couple over the routines you are stuck in that are getting in the way of your marriage thriving rather than just surviving. 

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Jeremiah 31:25 I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

Step 1. Is admitting you are stuck and your marriage is stuck and you personally are responsible.  No pointing fingers for no one is stopping you from living the way God has called you to live with and love on your spouse.  Go for it! Surrender, talk it over, confess your part and if you are on the receiving end of a confession, do your best to receive it and not rub it in their face.  Aren't you glad God doesn't do that with you when you confess?  Romans 2:4 tells us that it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance.  When you have done a simple (not complicated) Step 1. (admitting and owning) you can move onto Step 2. which you can read about in my next post.