Marriage/Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, say's "Small steps done consistently over time produce big change" it's a truly great saying and if you will, a great word picture. No one won a marathon in the first mile, but plenty have lost it there by starting too fast. Most people are impatient when it comes to change, I know that I can be. Between the expectations we place on ourselves and others, along with the pain and dis-satisfaction of how things are going currently, it certainly can lead to impatience and dis-satisfaction. We see health club memberships surge in January and then get canceled with penalties by March, all because we expect to see quick measurable change and then when we don't we give up entirely.
When it comes to marriage, the reality is that small steps that are done consistently over time will produce big change. It's also true that if people reach a strong enough level of pain they will desire change. Too often they think I married the wrong person so the change starts with an idea and can eventually lead to "I just don't love them anymore." The problem is us, not them!!! A statement I use often in helping people who want change in their life is "Pain is a great motivator for change, but pain is subjective. Some people can handle a lot of pain, and some people only a little, the question becomes How much pain are you willing to have before you are willing to change the way things are?
So, if can admit you are in enough pain to change, that's great, but not enough. great because now you need accountability and on-going encouragement. fixing things alone is not the answer. Who can encourage, exhort, mentor or coach you through your problem in order to see you through the change you desire? Stop right here and consider making a list of changes you need to make and make a short list of trusted people to be involved. Welcome back, now you should break down step by step, or day by day what change looks like and what can happen if they are made and sustained. Here's what I mean; if you want a more encouraging relationship with your spouse, than you are going to have to make a detailed goal "I will give verbal or written praise to my spouse at least 3 times per day for the next 7 days." Use a tracking system where you can check these off, or least have a system that works for you that you can check off until.......it becomes a habit. The cool thing about this is that it effects you for sure, you will become a more encouraging person, but it will effect your spouse too. And that was the goal all the time. EVERYONE WINS!!!
I encourage you to be specific, to have an agreement and to have encouraging accountability to make this work. Use a bullet journal or write these out in your quiet time journal, write a reminder/alarm to go off on your phone, but if you really want change you will need specificity, agreement, encouragement and accountability. Over a prolonged time period change will occur. Giving up a diet after 10 days when it calls for 60 will be quite discouraging, have someone walk alongside you through the 60 days. Here is your guide to seeing this happen;
1. Identify the pain/the problem that needs change.
2. Determine what life would be like if this change were made and sustained?
3. Ask someone into your life to help you set the attainable short term goals to reach the long-term change.
4. Make the plan together and agree on their role throughout this. Include what happens when they see you start to lose focus and or hope. What do you want them to do/say if you start backing off?
5. Put it in front of you (journal, phone alarm, something you can see) and practice this until it become habit.
Psychologists used to say that you need 30-45 days to create a habit, and you only need a couple to break it. Stay the course! Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision the people cast off restraint." Left foot, right foot, here you go!
