How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating

While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid.  And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too.  But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!!  I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished.  How did they survive?

Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it.  Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating?  Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily.  Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay.  If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon.  Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage.  What makes a marriage alive and thriving?  What would you say to this question?  You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws.  Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.

Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage?  When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids,  your focus turns to them more than your marriage.  These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating.  The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few.  Interested?

1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.

2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.

3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language.  To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).

4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other.  Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage.  Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.

 Now, go practice these few things, do your part.

*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling.  Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.

Putting Your Parenting Priority In the Right Place

That title sure has a lot of P's in it!  Pheww!!  Chances are most of you reading this got married before you had children.  If not, you can still read on.  When you married you fell in love with the person you wanted to be with all of the time and your relationship was a huge priority.  Rarely did many things come before anyone or anything else.  Immediately after you got married you had to make the adjustments you needed to go from the single life to the married life and you found your place of balance.  And then...

Then you had a baby, and maybe more babies.  And as we all know, babies are completely dependent on us for everything!!!  Of course we have to give them all the attention they need so they can be fed, burped and changed.  Remember though that you need to keep the main the main thing it was when you started, your marriage must always come before your kids.  One of the main tasks of parenting is to teach your kids how to make good decisions, not make them for them. And when they have started to get it, you actually have less to do and that leaves room for more couple-time!!!

Right now you are living together as a family but, the reality is that one day your kids will leave.....for good.  Some of you may be wanting that day right now. I get it, parenting is so much work!! I remember when I was a young parent how the older parents would say to us, "they grow up quick, enjoy them now while you can."  I thought they were joking, they weren't.   

You kids will become adults and will be determining whether your home is a place they can't wait to visit often or a place they are going to avoid like the plague.  What kind of marriage you have, how well you love one another, how connecting and nurturing it is right now will help them determine later whether they will come back or not.  Got it? And btw, I love the empty-nestor years, I admit it, its even a little bit selfish, I GET MY WIFE ALL TO MYSELF AND I LOVE IT!!!  But I also love it when the kids and grandkids love to visit!!!  I really do!!!

It may be a really great time to schedule a check-in with your spouse, and if you are brave enough ask your kids for feedback too, and carefully speak the truth in love and do active listening about what is being shared.
Here are some areas you may want to consider evaluating;

* Is our home a place we look forward to coming to or a place to avoid?
* Is there consistent laughter going on inside our home?
* Do people scatter to their rooms for privacy or do you find yourselves in a common area a lot?
* Is there a lot of yelling/screaming and nagging, or are words of encouragement spoken more often?
* Do our kids invite friends over a lot or are they more likely to want to go their friends house?
* Does our family scatter quickly after meals or do we linger?
* Are you more likely to discuss chores and homework progress rather than the feelings and highs and lows of each other's day?
* Is appropriate physical affection shown between you and your spouse?  Do your kids see you         hugging and kissing often?  They need to see this!!

I think you get the idea.  NOW is when you want to see where you are, not later.  Make the adjustments you will need to make so that when your kids are older they will want to come back to visit. Here is one thing you can do now if you are not that will really help - consistently date your spouse.  Make your kids a little envious that you love spending time together and alone.  Make them proud that you love each other enough that you leave them to go be together.  Your consistent dating actually gives them a great big sense of security that everything is okay between the two of you.  When you have spent a lifetime making each other a priority, the transition to becoming empty-nestors will be a simpler one, and then the two of you will enjoy each other even more when it's just the two of you.  Parent well by all means, be on the same page, teach your kids responsibility and all the other things healthy parents do. Now go and be a great example to follow so that when it's their turn they will do the same.