During this Covid 19 Pandemic many new learnings have been brought to light so far. Some good, some...not so much. For instance, how about being in the same house all together, day and night, night and day? How have we done relationally? Any regrets, any desire to do a reset? I am a big believer that I can't give what I don't have, to me the Great Commandment of Love God with everything you have and love your neighbor as you love yourself (simple version) are what I live for. In order to love others better I need to learn how to love/accept/grace myself too.
As a Pastor for almost my entire adult life I want to share a critical learning. Sacred Space and Sacred Pace = Healthier you and others.
When I type the words Sacred Space I literally mean creating a place where you and God can meet, you can listen to, read, pray, worship, write.........I must have a sacred space no matter where I am, at a hotel room, a retreat, even my office, but for sure my home. My wife Karyn and I each have our own sacred space in the house. A few years back they were next to each other (good thought, bad idea), my sacred space is in a different room from her's and we create our own spaces and they fit who we are and what practices we do. I keep headphones and a power cords next to me so I don't have to move them from room to room. I have an antique box for my writing instruments, another box with journals, Bible (a few) some prayer items, devotionals etc. I also have another antique box I made into a book shelf for all the books I am either presently reading or have ready to read. I have a few spiritual icons and a great view to look from. This is also creates a Sacred Pace for me. I cannot leave the sacred space ramped up at 100 mph with my hair on fire, instead I come out of my sacred time/space ready for the day, listening for what God may be up to and slowed down for it. Yes, I am excited for the day, passionate for the day, but paced for it. Think half-marathon pace, not 5K pace.
When I have spent time in my Sacred Place I come ready for the day with a do-able pace. I CANNOT LIVE A DAY WITHOUT THIS. For too many years I sped through my time in the morning with God, now I have created several times throughout the day/night to be in Sacred Space. A Daily Office is when in the middle of the day I pause and check in with God to assess how the morning went, how I included Him, where I didn't and any adjustments (if any) need to be made for the rest of the day. Often I hear from God about certain people to reach out to, times to pray, times to be still and listen and so on. I use a Daily Examen at night before bed to reflect on the day. This is a really helpful tool. Let me strongly encourage you to consider creating a Sacred Space, tell those in your house that you are doing this and where (make sure there is agreement since you share the house that this won't interfere with others who also share the house). Set a time, or a couple of times to be there and after awhile, Because I am strategic about my soul it truly effects my marriage, family and work relationships. It will for you too! I am pretty sure your pace (inner-life and schedule) will become more of what you'd hope for. I also believe this really helps me be much more present with others. (that's another blog for another time). Let me know if you have questions/suggestions) as I am a big time learner of these kinds of things.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Thursday, October 31, 2019
You Can Only Give from What You Have
I believe we cannot help others if we haven't first taken good care of ourselves, and do so consistently. Of course we are all in process and taking care of ourselves will take a lifetime. The question then becomes, "when are we in a good enough place to take care of others?" As an Enneagram 2, my sincere inner motivation is to always be on the look-out for people/situations to help, (even when it's not asked for). I can choose to help either out of my healthy/sunny side or out of my darker/shadow self. This is where self-awareness is critical.
Face it, our society here in the States is a very entitled people, and so we are on the look out for "what's in it for me." This doesn't work well at all in marriage and relationships, and this is one of the main reasons they fail!!! Jesus call to us to give up our lives, "If you want to gain life, you'll have to lose it." is the idea. I truly believe the number one reason couples struggle is selfishness and the number one cure is selflessness. We are selfish creatures.
There is a wonderful organization called I am Second. God first, others second. I wish I could amend it to be honest, I would call it "I am Third". God first, myself second and then others third. Now that might sound selfish but hear me out and read from this passage in Matthew 22.
34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Do you see it? "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." How well we can love our neighbor is partly reflected in how well we love ourselves. Of course we can overdo it on the self part, but honestly if there is nothing in our hearts to love others how can we love others well? We love best because we are doing so out of a full heart, a healthy heart. One piece of advice I give frequently is "self-care/soul care is not selfish because we cannot give what we do not have". Consistent physical exercise, regularly stimulating our minds, the daily feeding of our heart/soul with God's word, Godly music. life-giving reading materials, hanging out with people who are life giving all do this. But in our demanding and fast-paced lives we rarely make time for this and then we wonder how we snapped at those we love, or get mad in traffic, or the expectations we hold people to and when they don't come through we lose it. I believe it's because we have not fed ourselves.
Take time to feed yourself literally everyday so that you can be a deposit/investor in those lives around you that matter the most. Especially your spouse.
Face it, our society here in the States is a very entitled people, and so we are on the look out for "what's in it for me." This doesn't work well at all in marriage and relationships, and this is one of the main reasons they fail!!! Jesus call to us to give up our lives, "If you want to gain life, you'll have to lose it." is the idea. I truly believe the number one reason couples struggle is selfishness and the number one cure is selflessness. We are selfish creatures.
There is a wonderful organization called I am Second. God first, others second. I wish I could amend it to be honest, I would call it "I am Third". God first, myself second and then others third. Now that might sound selfish but hear me out and read from this passage in Matthew 22.
34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Do you see it? "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." How well we can love our neighbor is partly reflected in how well we love ourselves. Of course we can overdo it on the self part, but honestly if there is nothing in our hearts to love others how can we love others well? We love best because we are doing so out of a full heart, a healthy heart. One piece of advice I give frequently is "self-care/soul care is not selfish because we cannot give what we do not have". Consistent physical exercise, regularly stimulating our minds, the daily feeding of our heart/soul with God's word, Godly music. life-giving reading materials, hanging out with people who are life giving all do this. But in our demanding and fast-paced lives we rarely make time for this and then we wonder how we snapped at those we love, or get mad in traffic, or the expectations we hold people to and when they don't come through we lose it. I believe it's because we have not fed ourselves.
Take time to feed yourself literally everyday so that you can be a deposit/investor in those lives around you that matter the most. Especially your spouse.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating
While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid. And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too. But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!! I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished. How did they survive?
Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it. Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating? Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily. Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay. If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon. Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage. What makes a marriage alive and thriving? What would you say to this question? You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws. Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.
Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage? When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids, your focus turns to them more than your marriage. These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating. The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few. Interested?
1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.
2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.
3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language. To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).
4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other. Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage. Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.
Now, go practice these few things, do your part.
*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling. Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.
Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it. Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating? Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily. Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay. If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon. Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage. What makes a marriage alive and thriving? What would you say to this question? You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws. Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.
Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage? When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids, your focus turns to them more than your marriage. These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating. The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few. Interested?
1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.
2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.
3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language. To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).
4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other. Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage. Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.
Now, go practice these few things, do your part.
*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling. Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.
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