Finding Your Way Back to the Marriage You Wanted

The old saying "The grass is greener on the other side", is actually a pretty unhealthy saying because it reflects envy and comparison, it doesn't tell a story of commitment in landscaping and especially  when it comes to marriage. Read the quote below and let's you and I adopt this saying instead of the old one.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not merely endured, it should show each of us what is very good about the other, but it can also shine a pretty bright light on what is NOT so good about us.  For most of us, when we were dating and courting we made sure that the only thing the other person saw was the best of us not the worst parts of us. If we are not transparent about both our positives and our not so positives it becomes a trap in the future. That can ruin many a relationship if we don't realize that having hopes and expectations are not bad unless we communicate and agree on them.

 One major problem for most couples is that they really have no idea what the purpose of their marriage is, and so they drift, become functional, not relational and just a few years later they end up  - roommates.  If you haven't read our blog on vision and purpose for marriage, stop and read it here before you go on to the rest of this post.

"Okay, having a vision and purpose sound like a great idea, but right now we are barely surviving and we are no where close to thriving, can you please write something a lot more practical then theoretical?" Strap on your seat belt because here we go.

A very practical step is to consistently and sincerely encourage and build up each other rather than discourage and tear down. Many couples find themselves unhappy because they lost sight of what drew them together in the first place, and then they started fixating on the negative side they hadn't discovered early on.  Is that you?  It may be cliche' but true, GRATITUDE IS AN ATTITUDE.  One way to really get a positive cycle going in your marriage and stop the negative cycle is to start looking for and speaking up with what it is about your spouse that you really appreciate. 

 The Bible says "Therefore, encourage one a another and build one another up, just as you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11

Notice that it is presupposing you already are encouraging and building one another up. Somehow, someway we can get stuck looking for the things we see as wrong or we don't like about our spouse and start to focusing on those negative things instead of what is worthy of encouragement and building them up about. We all have much good and not good about ourselves, getting in the habit of showing grace instead of pointing fingers becomes critical.  If you get stuck on the negative for too long you become a nag or just distance yourselves from each other and you become disconnected, doing your own thing and focusing on parenting or your job and not feeding your marriage/spouse good things.  Again, does this sound like you?  For most, the answer is probably yes, or you wouldn't still be reading.

"How do I turn this around?" Simply CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR FOCUS.  

You are not in charge of your spouse and it is not in your job description to change them.  That's God's job.  So, I am asking you into a 2 Week Challenge, all we want you to do is change your focus and attitude to one of gratitude and encouragement for your spouse.  No matter how they respond, or don't,  just pour on lots of SINCERE encouragement, build up who they are and what they do.  This will truly feed your marriage!  You may even tell them that you are going to change your ways and over the next two weeks you are focusing on becoming a more encouraging spouse. Try this for two weeks you give yourself a daily target goal of at least 5 encouraging statements a day.  Watch out though, it may be more difficult than you think for you to give and your spouse to receive. and you may get some push back for the first 7 days. but then it will all of a sudden begin to energize you and your spouse.  WE all need sincere encouragement and we need it most from the one who loves us most. Let's check back in two weeks, feel free to leave a comment or ask a question between now and then.  At Turning Your Marriage from Surviving to Thriving we are here to help move your marriage to the place we all long for - THRIVING!

Your First Step Toward a Thriving Marriage

You are reading this because you want the most important earthly relationship to be thriving not merely surviving.  Over the years I have observed the following statistics to be fairly true; about 10% of marriages are in crisis and may not survive; about 80% are in survival mode, they are roommates and or parents but no longer crazy about one another; and only about 10% are truly thriving, those couples have the marriage most people really want for themselves.   Which of these 3 categories would you say your marriage is in?  What would your spouse say?  Is it the same?  Why don't you take a courageous step and ask instead of guess?  Have a heart to heart conversation about the most important earthly relationship you have.

  A GREAT BIG part of reviving a marriage is courage!  Most couples don't want to rock the boat, so month after month, year after year nothing changes or significantly gets better and so your coast, you settle, you endure, you barely get by.  The truth is this is NOT what you signed up for, it's not the idea you had in your minds when you took the plunge, popped the question or said yes to the proposal!! It's just not where you thought you'd end up, you promised "we will be different" but here you are!

Proverbs 29:18 basically says that without a vision, people perish.  Most couples have no vision for their marriage, and that's why most marriages perish.  But that's not you or you wouldn't have read this far or looked at this blog. Congrats!!  Twice a month we will publish a post that will give you practical ideas you can choose to use to turn your marriage into that 10% of marriages that thrive.  I must tell you that you didn't get in the place your marriage is in yesterday, and you will not get where you want to be tomorrow!  But..."Small steps done consistently over time will produce big change."  Believe it, it's true.

The first step involves asking God, yourself and your spouse what it looks like to have a Thriving Marriage.  One of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits is to "Think with the end in mind."  Here is your first exercise, seek God to give you both a vision, dream about what it would be like at your 50th Anniversary with people gathered around you and they are paying tribute about what they love about your marriage.  What would you love to hear them say?  That's what you need to write down!!!  Once you have that down on paper, start working backwards as to how you are going to actually hear those words.  Begin putting it into action!!

I recommend doing this together, not separately. I know, you may be saying, "but my spouse would never do this"  Actually, I find most couples think this but most likely your spouse knows your marriage is surviving too and truly wants a thriving marriage as well.  You both need to agree without placing blame,  agree that you are not in the marriage you want, but you want a better marriage with them.  Often people divorce and think their spouse was the problem.  Rarely is that true.  Take ownership of the things you have done or not done to place your marriage in the condition it is right now, confess it and work together on change.  Today is a new day and you can take steps together! Lastly, one thing I say often that is so true is this, 

If you want your marriage to work then you are going to have to work at your marriage.   Instead of fighting in your marriage, make the effort to fight FOR your marriage.

It's so worth the effort and time and investment!!!

Please feel free to comment, give questions and we will take time to answer each one.  Together, we are better.