How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating

While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid.  And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too.  But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!!  I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished.  How did they survive?

Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it.  Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating?  Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily.  Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay.  If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon.  Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage.  What makes a marriage alive and thriving?  What would you say to this question?  You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws.  Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.

Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage?  When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids,  your focus turns to them more than your marriage.  These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating.  The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few.  Interested?

1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.

2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.

3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language.  To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).

4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other.  Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage.  Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.

 Now, go practice these few things, do your part.

*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling.  Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.

Finding Your Way Back to the Marriage You Wanted

The old saying "The grass is greener on the other side", is actually a pretty unhealthy saying because it reflects envy and comparison, it doesn't tell a story of commitment in landscaping and especially  when it comes to marriage. Read the quote below and let's you and I adopt this saying instead of the old one.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not merely endured, it should show each of us what is very good about the other, but it can also shine a pretty bright light on what is NOT so good about us.  For most of us, when we were dating and courting we made sure that the only thing the other person saw was the best of us not the worst parts of us. If we are not transparent about both our positives and our not so positives it becomes a trap in the future. That can ruin many a relationship if we don't realize that having hopes and expectations are not bad unless we communicate and agree on them.

 One major problem for most couples is that they really have no idea what the purpose of their marriage is, and so they drift, become functional, not relational and just a few years later they end up  - roommates.  If you haven't read our blog on vision and purpose for marriage, stop and read it here before you go on to the rest of this post.

"Okay, having a vision and purpose sound like a great idea, but right now we are barely surviving and we are no where close to thriving, can you please write something a lot more practical then theoretical?" Strap on your seat belt because here we go.

A very practical step is to consistently and sincerely encourage and build up each other rather than discourage and tear down. Many couples find themselves unhappy because they lost sight of what drew them together in the first place, and then they started fixating on the negative side they hadn't discovered early on.  Is that you?  It may be cliche' but true, GRATITUDE IS AN ATTITUDE.  One way to really get a positive cycle going in your marriage and stop the negative cycle is to start looking for and speaking up with what it is about your spouse that you really appreciate. 

 The Bible says "Therefore, encourage one a another and build one another up, just as you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11

Notice that it is presupposing you already are encouraging and building one another up. Somehow, someway we can get stuck looking for the things we see as wrong or we don't like about our spouse and start to focusing on those negative things instead of what is worthy of encouragement and building them up about. We all have much good and not good about ourselves, getting in the habit of showing grace instead of pointing fingers becomes critical.  If you get stuck on the negative for too long you become a nag or just distance yourselves from each other and you become disconnected, doing your own thing and focusing on parenting or your job and not feeding your marriage/spouse good things.  Again, does this sound like you?  For most, the answer is probably yes, or you wouldn't still be reading.

"How do I turn this around?" Simply CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE AND YOUR FOCUS.  

You are not in charge of your spouse and it is not in your job description to change them.  That's God's job.  So, I am asking you into a 2 Week Challenge, all we want you to do is change your focus and attitude to one of gratitude and encouragement for your spouse.  No matter how they respond, or don't,  just pour on lots of SINCERE encouragement, build up who they are and what they do.  This will truly feed your marriage!  You may even tell them that you are going to change your ways and over the next two weeks you are focusing on becoming a more encouraging spouse. Try this for two weeks you give yourself a daily target goal of at least 5 encouraging statements a day.  Watch out though, it may be more difficult than you think for you to give and your spouse to receive. and you may get some push back for the first 7 days. but then it will all of a sudden begin to energize you and your spouse.  WE all need sincere encouragement and we need it most from the one who loves us most. Let's check back in two weeks, feel free to leave a comment or ask a question between now and then.  At Turning Your Marriage from Surviving to Thriving we are here to help move your marriage to the place we all long for - THRIVING!