You Can Only Give from What You Have

I believe we cannot help others if we haven't first taken good care of ourselves, and do so consistently.  Of course we are all in process and taking care of ourselves will take a lifetime. The question then becomes,  "when are we in a good enough place to take care of others?"  As an Enneagram 2, my sincere inner motivation is to always be on the look-out for people/situations to help, (even when it's not asked for).  I can choose to help either out of my healthy/sunny side or out of my darker/shadow self.  This is where self-awareness is critical.

Face it, our society here in the States is a very entitled people, and so we are on the look out for "what's in it for me." This doesn't work well at all in marriage and relationships, and this is one of the main reasons they fail!!!  Jesus call to us to give up our lives, "If you want to gain life, you'll have to lose it." is the idea.  I truly believe the number one reason couples struggle is selfishness and the number one cure is selflessness.  We are selfish creatures. 

There is a wonderful organization called I am Second.  God first, others second. I wish I could amend it to be honest, I would call it "I am Third".  God first, myself second and then others third.  Now that might sound selfish but hear me out and read from this passage in Matthew 22.

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Do you see it?  "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  How well we can love our neighbor is partly reflected in how well we love ourselves.  Of course we can overdo it on the self part, but honestly if there is nothing in our hearts to love others how can we love others well?  We love best because we are doing so out of a full heart, a healthy heart.  One piece of advice I give frequently is "self-care/soul care is not selfish because we cannot give what we do not have".  Consistent physical exercise,  regularly stimulating our minds, the daily feeding of our heart/soul with God's word, Godly music. life-giving reading materials, hanging out with people who are life giving all do this.  But in our demanding and fast-paced lives we rarely make time for this and then we wonder how we snapped at those we love, or get mad in traffic, or the expectations we hold people to and when they don't come through we lose it.  I believe it's because we have not fed ourselves.  

Take time to feed yourself literally everyday so that you can be a deposit/investor in those lives around you that matter the most.  Especially your spouse.

Putting Your Parenting Priority In the Right Place

That title sure has a lot of P's in it!  Pheww!!  Chances are most of you reading this got married before you had children.  If not, you can still read on.  When you married you fell in love with the person you wanted to be with all of the time and your relationship was a huge priority.  Rarely did many things come before anyone or anything else.  Immediately after you got married you had to make the adjustments you needed to go from the single life to the married life and you found your place of balance.  And then...

Then you had a baby, and maybe more babies.  And as we all know, babies are completely dependent on us for everything!!!  Of course we have to give them all the attention they need so they can be fed, burped and changed.  Remember though that you need to keep the main the main thing it was when you started, your marriage must always come before your kids.  One of the main tasks of parenting is to teach your kids how to make good decisions, not make them for them. And when they have started to get it, you actually have less to do and that leaves room for more couple-time!!!

Right now you are living together as a family but, the reality is that one day your kids will leave.....for good.  Some of you may be wanting that day right now. I get it, parenting is so much work!! I remember when I was a young parent how the older parents would say to us, "they grow up quick, enjoy them now while you can."  I thought they were joking, they weren't.   

You kids will become adults and will be determining whether your home is a place they can't wait to visit often or a place they are going to avoid like the plague.  What kind of marriage you have, how well you love one another, how connecting and nurturing it is right now will help them determine later whether they will come back or not.  Got it? And btw, I love the empty-nestor years, I admit it, its even a little bit selfish, I GET MY WIFE ALL TO MYSELF AND I LOVE IT!!!  But I also love it when the kids and grandkids love to visit!!!  I really do!!!

It may be a really great time to schedule a check-in with your spouse, and if you are brave enough ask your kids for feedback too, and carefully speak the truth in love and do active listening about what is being shared.
Here are some areas you may want to consider evaluating;

* Is our home a place we look forward to coming to or a place to avoid?
* Is there consistent laughter going on inside our home?
* Do people scatter to their rooms for privacy or do you find yourselves in a common area a lot?
* Is there a lot of yelling/screaming and nagging, or are words of encouragement spoken more often?
* Do our kids invite friends over a lot or are they more likely to want to go their friends house?
* Does our family scatter quickly after meals or do we linger?
* Are you more likely to discuss chores and homework progress rather than the feelings and highs and lows of each other's day?
* Is appropriate physical affection shown between you and your spouse?  Do your kids see you         hugging and kissing often?  They need to see this!!

I think you get the idea.  NOW is when you want to see where you are, not later.  Make the adjustments you will need to make so that when your kids are older they will want to come back to visit. Here is one thing you can do now if you are not that will really help - consistently date your spouse.  Make your kids a little envious that you love spending time together and alone.  Make them proud that you love each other enough that you leave them to go be together.  Your consistent dating actually gives them a great big sense of security that everything is okay between the two of you.  When you have spent a lifetime making each other a priority, the transition to becoming empty-nestors will be a simpler one, and then the two of you will enjoy each other even more when it's just the two of you.  Parent well by all means, be on the same page, teach your kids responsibility and all the other things healthy parents do. Now go and be a great example to follow so that when it's their turn they will do the same.