How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating

While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid.  And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too.  But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!!  I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished.  How did they survive?

Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it.  Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating?  Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily.  Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay.  If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon.  Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage.  What makes a marriage alive and thriving?  What would you say to this question?  You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws.  Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.

Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage?  When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids,  your focus turns to them more than your marriage.  These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating.  The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few.  Interested?

1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.

2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.

3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language.  To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).

4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other.  Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage.  Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.

 Now, go practice these few things, do your part.

*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling.  Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.