You Can Only Give from What You Have

I believe we cannot help others if we haven't first taken good care of ourselves, and do so consistently.  Of course we are all in process and taking care of ourselves will take a lifetime. The question then becomes,  "when are we in a good enough place to take care of others?"  As an Enneagram 2, my sincere inner motivation is to always be on the look-out for people/situations to help, (even when it's not asked for).  I can choose to help either out of my healthy/sunny side or out of my darker/shadow self.  This is where self-awareness is critical.

Face it, our society here in the States is a very entitled people, and so we are on the look out for "what's in it for me." This doesn't work well at all in marriage and relationships, and this is one of the main reasons they fail!!!  Jesus call to us to give up our lives, "If you want to gain life, you'll have to lose it." is the idea.  I truly believe the number one reason couples struggle is selfishness and the number one cure is selflessness.  We are selfish creatures. 

There is a wonderful organization called I am Second.  God first, others second. I wish I could amend it to be honest, I would call it "I am Third".  God first, myself second and then others third.  Now that might sound selfish but hear me out and read from this passage in Matthew 22.

34 But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Do you see it?  "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  How well we can love our neighbor is partly reflected in how well we love ourselves.  Of course we can overdo it on the self part, but honestly if there is nothing in our hearts to love others how can we love others well?  We love best because we are doing so out of a full heart, a healthy heart.  One piece of advice I give frequently is "self-care/soul care is not selfish because we cannot give what we do not have".  Consistent physical exercise,  regularly stimulating our minds, the daily feeding of our heart/soul with God's word, Godly music. life-giving reading materials, hanging out with people who are life giving all do this.  But in our demanding and fast-paced lives we rarely make time for this and then we wonder how we snapped at those we love, or get mad in traffic, or the expectations we hold people to and when they don't come through we lose it.  I believe it's because we have not fed ourselves.  

Take time to feed yourself literally everyday so that you can be a deposit/investor in those lives around you that matter the most.  Especially your spouse.

How to truly make everyday Valentines Day

Valentines Day - the Big Set Up. It's marketed big time and lots of money is spent celebrating this day for couples.  What it is supposed to do is help us set aside one day to express in special ways the love we have for our loved one. I get it, but isn't that what we are supposed to do anyway everyday?  I mean life is short and tomorrow is not a for sure thing.  My wife Karyn and I have as a part of our Marriage Vision Statement that we would out love and out serve each other everyday. Speaking one another's primary love language but being fluent in all 5 really helps.  We can make one day a little more special like Valentine's Day, but...what we have and hopefully what you have is already incredibly special.  Keep the passion going by being grateful everyday, one day you won't. be able to.  The "death to the end, until we part" thing will happen, one of you will go first and the one left behind doesn't have to have regrets about "I wish I had one more day to live with you, or one more time to tell you how much you mean to me."  Live it now, express it now, tell them now!!!

You and I have today!  Use it up, don't hold back, out love and out serve one another so that they are convinced of your love for them and so that everyone looking in thinks to themselves "I wish I had what they have."  "......the Greatest of these is LOVE!" I Corinthians 13:13

What if...

What if Jesus was your wife's husband?  How differently would she be as a Child of God, wife, mother, daughter, friend etc.?  Probably very differently?  Well men, the great news is this, we are commanded to love our wives as Christ loved the church.  Ephesians 5:25-28 (Message)

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church-a love marked by giving not getting.  Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.  Everything He does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling while silk, radiant with holiness.  And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.  They're really doing themselves a favor-since they're already "one" in marriage."

I know we will never measure up to the way Christ loves, but together we can make progress.  That's right, together, you don't have to walk this husband thing alone.  We have marriage mentors who though not perfect in marriage, are solid and are trained, they are caring and compassionate and want to see your marriage thrive.  There are counselors and there are safe buddies you can discuss this with.  We are all this journey, we might as well admit it and join in together to support, encourage and exhort one another.  I'll be glad to help connect you with others, and if you can't find someone, I'll be glad to walk with you.  I will because I need sharpening and encouragement too.

What do you say?  Are you willing in this new year to begin to love your wife as Christ would/does?  Surrender is a great start.  I believe our role to be impossible without the working of the Holy Spirit alive and kicking in us.  I believe it's impossible unless we have a real and intimate relationship with God each and everyday.  Being in the word of God in ways that actually bring about change.  Praying in a way that is intimate, honest and trusting/full of faith.  So as we surrender and lean in on what God wants to do in us, then for us and finally through us (one step and day at a time) you will begin to love your wife as Christ does the church.  She will be so ready for this and if you have kids, they need to see you step up and model what this looks like so they have a fighting chance as well when they have the chance to choose a spouse.

What if you stopped right now, dropped to your knees in surrender and asked God to begin this work?  What if starting today you did one Jesus like thing in loving your wife and then you did something else the next day?  What if your marriage could be God honoring and fulfilling?  What if?

New Practices Produce New Results

I have a saying; "Predictability Breeds Boredom".  Like driving the same way to work everyday and when you get home you don't even remember anything, the pictures that are on the wall that have been there forever and now you don't even see them.  Exercise programs that don't bring any new results because you keep doing the same thing the same way and you somehow expect different results.  Ok, so onto marriage.  You and your spouse have the same morning routine, evening routine and somehow you get to another year and wonder what happened.  Have I got you yet?

I know in my spiritual practices I must change my routines (even the ones that work) so I am staying fresh.  I know if I keep running the same routes week in and week out, I get bored and no improvement is happening in my times.  Duh!  So, it is with marriage.  Same arguments that never get resolved, just glossed over, same meals, restaurants, TV shows, same same same.  Romance is the same, maybe even your physical intimacy is exactly the same too.  WHAT TO DO?

I think a great idea is going to a marriage mentor or therapist, a marriage retreat, some sort of something that changes your perspectives.  Both of you.  They allow you to talk over things away from home that maybe are just too hard to resolve on your own in your home. Most couples are stuck.  Routine can get us there, granted some routines are good but even those need some consistent evaluation, some tinkering and sometimes even an overhaul.  Take a look together, as a couple over the routines you are stuck in that are getting in the way of your marriage thriving rather than just surviving. 

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Jeremiah 31:25 I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

Step 1. Is admitting you are stuck and your marriage is stuck and you personally are responsible.  No pointing fingers for no one is stopping you from living the way God has called you to live with and love on your spouse.  Go for it! Surrender, talk it over, confess your part and if you are on the receiving end of a confession, do your best to receive it and not rub it in their face.  Aren't you glad God doesn't do that with you when you confess?  Romans 2:4 tells us that it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance.  When you have done a simple (not complicated) Step 1. (admitting and owning) you can move onto Step 2. which you can read about in my next post.

Hope and Hopelessness in your Marriage/Parenting.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how powerful it is to have hope in my life and the others I get to sit with whether in counseling or mentoring.  Just as powerful as hope is, so is hopelessness. When you have hope you have so much, and when you are feeling hopeless it feels like nothing is ever going to change. Instead, giving up and giving in seem like the best we can do.  When I have been out in the wilderness and my water supply is going really low, or the wood I've collected is too wet to light a fire, I can easily lose hope.  Of course the opposite is true, when I do find fresh water or can light a fire to stay warm I feel so much better.  Often when we are in a season of feeling hopeless, so many of us pull away from others and go into hiding.  It's dark and so very hard to keep moving on.


For husbands and wives, fathers and mothers we know the feeling that hope and hopelessness can bring.  In a marriage where one of you is trying and the other is dis-engaged, this can feel hopeless.  That's the way it is when our kids aren't turning out the way we want them to. We dis-engage, stop trying to change behaviors and throw our hands up in despair and just go about doing the best we can in the areas we think we have control over.  In either case, our deep seated fears can cause us to try and control situations and people for the outcome we want, but as is the case most of the time, we really don't have control, things go out of control and of course that sends things even further behind.

So where does your hope come from?  Is anything in our lives ever going to fully arrive, be right in place?  If it does, it's fleeting, short-lived or never really comes.  Yes, there are moments when all seems right but honestly this world will never satisfy us and no spouse or child, job or church can either.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth, He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep."  Psalm 121:1-5

God is our hope, that's it!  I am not saying don't have hopes and dreams, but don't count on them either.  Who is more faithful than God?  I love Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

In this verse God clearly is hope, will fill us with joy and peace and we shall overflow with hope.  What an amazing promise.  He even lets us know it's NOT ABOUT TRYING HARDER BUT TRUSTING MORE.  Who doesn't need more hope, joy and peace?  I DO!!!

Can I ask you to consider doing a couple things?

1. Look to God for your hope it's better than trying to create/sustain hope when you really aren't in control.

2. Tell God the deep longings of your heart - over and over and don't stop.

3. Tell someone you can trust and who wants the best for you what you are longing for. Do this on a consistent basis you can both agree to.

4. For sure tell your spouse/children what you long for, but be careful not to use it for manipulation.

God is our hope and help, an ever present help in times of trouble.  When we get real and honest with Him, really honest, the best thing to happen is a closer relationship with the only one who is truly faithful, accepting and un-conditional in His love for you.  Go to Him, pour out your heart to Him, He cares, He knows and He wants you to let Him know your burdens.  He will carry them, wait on Him, He is faithful!

Shame Kills and How to Get Started Having the Marriage You Long For.

Many couples settle for an okay, surviving marriage and chances are if you are reading this you may be one of them.  You had hopes and dreams, but they are distant, faint and if you tried to discuss them with your spouse the fear of rejection, or stonewalling is greater than bringing up the current state of your marriage.  So you wait it out, hoping they will snap out of it and they would want what you want.... a thriving life-giving marriage.

I read several years back that "Shame Kills".  I read about those who died or nearly died in the wilderness when they didn't have to.  Their problem was that they saw asking for help as weakness, and when something as simple as someone offering water or a blanket came their way their response was "No, I'm good, thanks."  This response was their downfall.  What they needed was what was offered but their pride convinced them otherwise.

We/I do this way too often.  I am by nature a helper (Enneagram 2).  So I make sure others are taken care of first well before I would ever ask for help for myself.  My strength of helping others is my downfall when I am not emotionally aware or healthy in that my shadow side keeps me from asking for help.  Heck, I rarely do enough assessing how/what I am feeling to even know if I need help let alone ask for it.  Maybe we all do this to some degree.  Asking for help is hard!!!  But not asking for help is worse!  Dying inside leads to death outwardly.  Living quiet lives of desperation is not good.  I believe that in marriage two become one, but often (especially in the States) individualism is valued above togetherness.  Usually it's a trust issue!!! God is truly the only one trust-worthy.

You can choose shame or you can ask for help.  You can bring it up to your spouse or you can bury it. Chances are you've tried and its not worked.  BUT DON'T STOP TRYING!!!  Pray, ask God to do what you or no one else can.  There is another courageous thing you can do, that's very practical.  You probably can see at least from a distance, those who have a marriage you admire.  I'm pretty sure if you approach them, they would gladly share their story, their struggles and how they got where they are today.  They would probably be up for meeting several times even.  I know two things to consider, 

First is acceptance will be necessary. Accepting that you cannot arrange for the life you longed/long for.  

Secondly, surrender is the only way!  Surrender is not weakness, it's acknowledgement that there are some things you are not in control of as hard as you might try.  

Control comes from fear!!!  Consider a regular self check and ask yourself whom/what are you trying to control and then look into what you are afraid of when it comes to those people/situations.  Surrender works and so does accountability/encouragement.  Don't give up!!!  Help is closer than you can imagine if you will accept, surrender and ask for help.

If you legitimately cannot find anyone to walk with you, here is my email address, if you write I will respond.  KConklin@southbrookchurch.com

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

What Needs to Change in Your Life Right Now and How it Can Happen

   Marriage/Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman,  say's "Small steps done consistently over time produce big change" it's a truly great saying and if you will, a great word picture.  No one won a marathon in the first mile, but plenty have lost it there by starting too fast.  Most people are impatient when it comes to change, I know that I can be.  Between the expectations we place on ourselves and others, along with the pain and dis-satisfaction of how things are going currently, it certainly can lead to impatience and dis-satisfaction. We see health club memberships surge in January and then get canceled with penalties by March, all because we expect to see quick measurable change and then when we don't we give up entirely.

When it comes to marriage, the reality is that small steps that are done consistently over time will produce big change.  It's also true that if people reach a strong enough level of pain they will desire change. Too often they think I married the wrong person so the change starts with an idea and can eventually lead to "I just don't love them anymore." The problem is us, not them!!!  A statement I use often in helping people who want change in their life is "Pain is a great motivator for change, but pain is subjective. Some people can handle a lot of pain, and some people only a little, the question becomes How much pain are you willing to have before you are willing to change the way things are?

So, if can admit you are in enough pain to change, that's great, but not enough. great because now you  need accountability and on-going encouragement. fixing things alone is not the answer.  Who can encourage, exhort, mentor or coach you through your problem in order to see you through the change you desire?  Stop right here and consider making a list of changes you need to make and make a short list of trusted people to be involved.  Welcome back, now you should break down step by step, or day by day what change looks like and what can happen if they are made and sustained.  Here's what I mean; if you want a more encouraging relationship with your spouse, than you are going to have to make a detailed goal "I will give verbal or written praise to my spouse at least 3 times per day for the next 7 days."  Use a tracking system where you can check these off, or least have a system that works for you that you can check off until.......it becomes a habit.  The cool thing about this is that it effects you for sure, you will become a more encouraging person, but it will effect your spouse too.  And that was the goal all the time.  EVERYONE WINS!!!

I encourage you to be specific, to have an agreement and to have encouraging accountability to make this work.  Use a bullet journal or write these out in your quiet time journal, write a reminder/alarm to go off on your phone, but if you really want change you will need specificity, agreement, encouragement and accountability. Over a prolonged time period change will occur.  Giving up a diet after 10 days when it calls for 60 will be quite discouraging, have someone walk alongside you through the 60 days.  Here is your guide to seeing this happen;

1. Identify the pain/the problem that needs change.
2. Determine what life would be like if this change were made and sustained?
3. Ask someone into your life to help you set the attainable short term goals to reach the long-term change.
4. Make the plan together and agree on their role throughout this.  Include what happens when they see you start to lose focus and or hope.  What do you want them to do/say if you start backing off?
5. Put it in front of you (journal, phone alarm, something you can see) and practice this until it become habit.

Psychologists used to say that you need 30-45 days to create a habit, and you only need a couple to break it.  Stay the course!  Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision the people cast off restraint."  Left foot, right foot, here you go!