I read several years back that "Shame Kills". I read about those who died or nearly died in the wilderness when they didn't have to. Their problem was that they saw asking for help as weakness, and when something as simple as someone offering water or a blanket came their way their response was "No, I'm good, thanks." This response was their downfall. What they needed was what was offered but their pride convinced them otherwise.
We/I do this way too often. I am by nature a helper (Enneagram 2). So I make sure others are taken care of first well before I would ever ask for help for myself. My strength of helping others is my downfall when I am not emotionally aware or healthy in that my shadow side keeps me from asking for help. Heck, I rarely do enough assessing how/what I am feeling to even know if I need help let alone ask for it. Maybe we all do this to some degree. Asking for help is hard!!! But not asking for help is worse! Dying inside leads to death outwardly. Living quiet lives of desperation is not good. I believe that in marriage two become one, but often (especially in the States) individualism is valued above togetherness. Usually it's a trust issue!!! God is truly the only one trust-worthy.
You can choose shame or you can ask for help. You can bring it up to your spouse or you can bury it. Chances are you've tried and its not worked. BUT DON'T STOP TRYING!!! Pray, ask God to do what you or no one else can. There is another courageous thing you can do, that's very practical. You probably can see at least from a distance, those who have a marriage you admire. I'm pretty sure if you approach them, they would gladly share their story, their struggles and how they got where they are today. They would probably be up for meeting several times even. I know two things to consider,
First is acceptance will be necessary. Accepting that you cannot arrange for the life you longed/long for.
Secondly, surrender is the only way! Surrender is not weakness, it's acknowledgement that there are some things you are not in control of as hard as you might try.
Control comes from fear!!! Consider a regular self check and ask yourself whom/what are you trying to control and then look into what you are afraid of when it comes to those people/situations. Surrender works and so does accountability/encouragement. Don't give up!!! Help is closer than you can imagine if you will accept, surrender and ask for help.
If you legitimately cannot find anyone to walk with you, here is my email address, if you write I will respond. KConklin@southbrookchurch.com
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
