I have a saying; "Predictability Breeds Boredom". Like driving the same way to work everyday and when you get home you don't even remember anything, the pictures that are on the wall that have been there forever and now you don't even see them. Exercise programs that don't bring any new results because you keep doing the same thing the same way and you somehow expect different results. Ok, so onto marriage. You and your spouse have the same morning routine, evening routine and somehow you get to another year and wonder what happened. Have I got you yet?
I know in my spiritual practices I must change my routines (even the ones that work) so I am staying fresh. I know if I keep running the same routes week in and week out, I get bored and no improvement is happening in my times. Duh! So, it is with marriage. Same arguments that never get resolved, just glossed over, same meals, restaurants, TV shows, same same same. Romance is the same, maybe even your physical intimacy is exactly the same too. WHAT TO DO?
I think a great idea is going to a marriage mentor or therapist, a marriage retreat, some sort of something that changes your perspectives. Both of you. They allow you to talk over things away from home that maybe are just too hard to resolve on your own in your home. Most couples are stuck. Routine can get us there, granted some routines are good but even those need some consistent evaluation, some tinkering and sometimes even an overhaul. Take a look together, as a couple over the routines you are stuck in that are getting in the way of your marriage thriving rather than just surviving.
Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Jeremiah 31:25 I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."
Step 1. Is admitting you are stuck and your marriage is stuck and you personally are responsible. No pointing fingers for no one is stopping you from living the way God has called you to live with and love on your spouse. Go for it! Surrender, talk it over, confess your part and if you are on the receiving end of a confession, do your best to receive it and not rub it in their face. Aren't you glad God doesn't do that with you when you confess? Romans 2:4 tells us that it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance. When you have done a simple (not complicated) Step 1. (admitting and owning) you can move onto Step 2. which you can read about in my next post.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Monday, October 8, 2018
Hope and Hopelessness in your Marriage/Parenting.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how powerful it is to have hope in my life and the others I get to sit with whether in counseling or mentoring. Just as powerful as hope is, so is hopelessness. When you have hope you have so much, and when you are feeling hopeless it feels like nothing is ever going to change. Instead, giving up and giving in seem like the best we can do. When I have been out in the wilderness and my water supply is going really low, or the wood I've collected is too wet to light a fire, I can easily lose hope. Of course the opposite is true, when I do find fresh water or can light a fire to stay warm I feel so much better. Often when we are in a season of feeling hopeless, so many of us pull away from others and go into hiding. It's dark and so very hard to keep moving on.For husbands and wives, fathers and mothers we know the feeling that hope and hopelessness can bring. In a marriage where one of you is trying and the other is dis-engaged, this can feel hopeless. That's the way it is when our kids aren't turning out the way we want them to. We dis-engage, stop trying to change behaviors and throw our hands up in despair and just go about doing the best we can in the areas we think we have control over. In either case, our deep seated fears can cause us to try and control situations and people for the outcome we want, but as is the case most of the time, we really don't have control, things go out of control and of course that sends things even further behind.
So where does your hope come from? Is anything in our lives ever going to fully arrive, be right in place? If it does, it's fleeting, short-lived or never really comes. Yes, there are moments when all seems right but honestly this world will never satisfy us and no spouse or child, job or church can either.
"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth, He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:1-5
God is our hope, that's it! I am not saying don't have hopes and dreams, but don't count on them either. Who is more faithful than God? I love Romans 15:13
"May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
In this verse God clearly is hope, will fill us with joy and peace and we shall overflow with hope. What an amazing promise. He even lets us know it's NOT ABOUT TRYING HARDER BUT TRUSTING MORE. Who doesn't need more hope, joy and peace? I DO!!!
Can I ask you to consider doing a couple things?
1. Look to God for your hope it's better than trying to create/sustain hope when you really aren't in control.
2. Tell God the deep longings of your heart - over and over and don't stop.
3. Tell someone you can trust and who wants the best for you what you are longing for. Do this on a consistent basis you can both agree to.
4. For sure tell your spouse/children what you long for, but be careful not to use it for manipulation.
God is our hope and help, an ever present help in times of trouble. When we get real and honest with Him, really honest, the best thing to happen is a closer relationship with the only one who is truly faithful, accepting and un-conditional in His love for you. Go to Him, pour out your heart to Him, He cares, He knows and He wants you to let Him know your burdens. He will carry them, wait on Him, He is faithful!
God is our hope and help, an ever present help in times of trouble. When we get real and honest with Him, really honest, the best thing to happen is a closer relationship with the only one who is truly faithful, accepting and un-conditional in His love for you. Go to Him, pour out your heart to Him, He cares, He knows and He wants you to let Him know your burdens. He will carry them, wait on Him, He is faithful!
Monday, July 2, 2018
Shame Kills and How to Get Started Having the Marriage You Long For.
Many couples settle for an okay, surviving marriage and chances are if you are reading this you may be one of them. You had hopes and dreams, but they are distant, faint and if you tried to discuss them with your spouse the fear of rejection, or stonewalling is greater than bringing up the current state of your marriage. So you wait it out, hoping they will snap out of it and they would want what you want.... a thriving life-giving marriage.
I read several years back that "Shame Kills". I read about those who died or nearly died in the wilderness when they didn't have to. Their problem was that they saw asking for help as weakness, and when something as simple as someone offering water or a blanket came their way their response was "No, I'm good, thanks." This response was their downfall. What they needed was what was offered but their pride convinced them otherwise.
We/I do this way too often. I am by nature a helper (Enneagram 2). So I make sure others are taken care of first well before I would ever ask for help for myself. My strength of helping others is my downfall when I am not emotionally aware or healthy in that my shadow side keeps me from asking for help. Heck, I rarely do enough assessing how/what I am feeling to even know if I need help let alone ask for it. Maybe we all do this to some degree. Asking for help is hard!!! But not asking for help is worse! Dying inside leads to death outwardly. Living quiet lives of desperation is not good. I believe that in marriage two become one, but often (especially in the States) individualism is valued above togetherness. Usually it's a trust issue!!! God is truly the only one trust-worthy.
You can choose shame or you can ask for help. You can bring it up to your spouse or you can bury it. Chances are you've tried and its not worked. BUT DON'T STOP TRYING!!! Pray, ask God to do what you or no one else can. There is another courageous thing you can do, that's very practical. You probably can see at least from a distance, those who have a marriage you admire. I'm pretty sure if you approach them, they would gladly share their story, their struggles and how they got where they are today. They would probably be up for meeting several times even. I know two things to consider,
Control comes from fear!!! Consider a regular self check and ask yourself whom/what are you trying to control and then look into what you are afraid of when it comes to those people/situations. Surrender works and so does accountability/encouragement. Don't give up!!! Help is closer than you can imagine if you will accept, surrender and ask for help.
If you legitimately cannot find anyone to walk with you, here is my email address, if you write I will respond. KConklin@southbrookchurch.com
I read several years back that "Shame Kills". I read about those who died or nearly died in the wilderness when they didn't have to. Their problem was that they saw asking for help as weakness, and when something as simple as someone offering water or a blanket came their way their response was "No, I'm good, thanks." This response was their downfall. What they needed was what was offered but their pride convinced them otherwise.
We/I do this way too often. I am by nature a helper (Enneagram 2). So I make sure others are taken care of first well before I would ever ask for help for myself. My strength of helping others is my downfall when I am not emotionally aware or healthy in that my shadow side keeps me from asking for help. Heck, I rarely do enough assessing how/what I am feeling to even know if I need help let alone ask for it. Maybe we all do this to some degree. Asking for help is hard!!! But not asking for help is worse! Dying inside leads to death outwardly. Living quiet lives of desperation is not good. I believe that in marriage two become one, but often (especially in the States) individualism is valued above togetherness. Usually it's a trust issue!!! God is truly the only one trust-worthy.
You can choose shame or you can ask for help. You can bring it up to your spouse or you can bury it. Chances are you've tried and its not worked. BUT DON'T STOP TRYING!!! Pray, ask God to do what you or no one else can. There is another courageous thing you can do, that's very practical. You probably can see at least from a distance, those who have a marriage you admire. I'm pretty sure if you approach them, they would gladly share their story, their struggles and how they got where they are today. They would probably be up for meeting several times even. I know two things to consider,
First is acceptance will be necessary. Accepting that you cannot arrange for the life you longed/long for.
Secondly, surrender is the only way! Surrender is not weakness, it's acknowledgement that there are some things you are not in control of as hard as you might try.
Control comes from fear!!! Consider a regular self check and ask yourself whom/what are you trying to control and then look into what you are afraid of when it comes to those people/situations. Surrender works and so does accountability/encouragement. Don't give up!!! Help is closer than you can imagine if you will accept, surrender and ask for help.
If you legitimately cannot find anyone to walk with you, here is my email address, if you write I will respond. KConklin@southbrookchurch.com
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
What Needs to Change in Your Life Right Now and How it Can Happen
Marriage/Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, say's "Small steps done consistently over time produce big change" it's a truly great saying and if you will, a great word picture. No one won a marathon in the first mile, but plenty have lost it there by starting too fast. Most people are impatient when it comes to change, I know that I can be. Between the expectations we place on ourselves and others, along with the pain and dis-satisfaction of how things are going currently, it certainly can lead to impatience and dis-satisfaction. We see health club memberships surge in January and then get canceled with penalties by March, all because we expect to see quick measurable change and then when we don't we give up entirely.
When it comes to marriage, the reality is that small steps that are done consistently over time will produce big change. It's also true that if people reach a strong enough level of pain they will desire change. Too often they think I married the wrong person so the change starts with an idea and can eventually lead to "I just don't love them anymore." The problem is us, not them!!! A statement I use often in helping people who want change in their life is "Pain is a great motivator for change, but pain is subjective. Some people can handle a lot of pain, and some people only a little, the question becomes How much pain are you willing to have before you are willing to change the way things are?
So, if can admit you are in enough pain to change, that's great, but not enough. great because now you need accountability and on-going encouragement. fixing things alone is not the answer. Who can encourage, exhort, mentor or coach you through your problem in order to see you through the change you desire? Stop right here and consider making a list of changes you need to make and make a short list of trusted people to be involved. Welcome back, now you should break down step by step, or day by day what change looks like and what can happen if they are made and sustained. Here's what I mean; if you want a more encouraging relationship with your spouse, than you are going to have to make a detailed goal "I will give verbal or written praise to my spouse at least 3 times per day for the next 7 days." Use a tracking system where you can check these off, or least have a system that works for you that you can check off until.......it becomes a habit. The cool thing about this is that it effects you for sure, you will become a more encouraging person, but it will effect your spouse too. And that was the goal all the time. EVERYONE WINS!!!
I encourage you to be specific, to have an agreement and to have encouraging accountability to make this work. Use a bullet journal or write these out in your quiet time journal, write a reminder/alarm to go off on your phone, but if you really want change you will need specificity, agreement, encouragement and accountability. Over a prolonged time period change will occur. Giving up a diet after 10 days when it calls for 60 will be quite discouraging, have someone walk alongside you through the 60 days. Here is your guide to seeing this happen;
1. Identify the pain/the problem that needs change.
2. Determine what life would be like if this change were made and sustained?
3. Ask someone into your life to help you set the attainable short term goals to reach the long-term change.
4. Make the plan together and agree on their role throughout this. Include what happens when they see you start to lose focus and or hope. What do you want them to do/say if you start backing off?
5. Put it in front of you (journal, phone alarm, something you can see) and practice this until it become habit.
Psychologists used to say that you need 30-45 days to create a habit, and you only need a couple to break it. Stay the course! Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision the people cast off restraint." Left foot, right foot, here you go!
When it comes to marriage, the reality is that small steps that are done consistently over time will produce big change. It's also true that if people reach a strong enough level of pain they will desire change. Too often they think I married the wrong person so the change starts with an idea and can eventually lead to "I just don't love them anymore." The problem is us, not them!!! A statement I use often in helping people who want change in their life is "Pain is a great motivator for change, but pain is subjective. Some people can handle a lot of pain, and some people only a little, the question becomes How much pain are you willing to have before you are willing to change the way things are?
So, if can admit you are in enough pain to change, that's great, but not enough. great because now you need accountability and on-going encouragement. fixing things alone is not the answer. Who can encourage, exhort, mentor or coach you through your problem in order to see you through the change you desire? Stop right here and consider making a list of changes you need to make and make a short list of trusted people to be involved. Welcome back, now you should break down step by step, or day by day what change looks like and what can happen if they are made and sustained. Here's what I mean; if you want a more encouraging relationship with your spouse, than you are going to have to make a detailed goal "I will give verbal or written praise to my spouse at least 3 times per day for the next 7 days." Use a tracking system where you can check these off, or least have a system that works for you that you can check off until.......it becomes a habit. The cool thing about this is that it effects you for sure, you will become a more encouraging person, but it will effect your spouse too. And that was the goal all the time. EVERYONE WINS!!!
I encourage you to be specific, to have an agreement and to have encouraging accountability to make this work. Use a bullet journal or write these out in your quiet time journal, write a reminder/alarm to go off on your phone, but if you really want change you will need specificity, agreement, encouragement and accountability. Over a prolonged time period change will occur. Giving up a diet after 10 days when it calls for 60 will be quite discouraging, have someone walk alongside you through the 60 days. Here is your guide to seeing this happen;
1. Identify the pain/the problem that needs change.
2. Determine what life would be like if this change were made and sustained?
3. Ask someone into your life to help you set the attainable short term goals to reach the long-term change.
4. Make the plan together and agree on their role throughout this. Include what happens when they see you start to lose focus and or hope. What do you want them to do/say if you start backing off?
5. Put it in front of you (journal, phone alarm, something you can see) and practice this until it become habit.
Psychologists used to say that you need 30-45 days to create a habit, and you only need a couple to break it. Stay the course! Proverbs 29:18 "Where there is no vision the people cast off restraint." Left foot, right foot, here you go!
Friday, April 20, 2018
Dad's - You want to do better and here's a simple way you can.
Dad's, how fast would you say the pace of life is for you right now? I believe you are like most men in that you are doing everything you can to keep up, and if truth were truly told, you would admit, you are surviving, but barely. There just isn't enough of you to go around in your job, your marriage and the time you need to give to your children. Another year goes by and you live with regret, stuff it as deeply as you can and shuffle along with this low grade ache you just don't want to deal with, so you don't. It's too hard. The importance of being able to think and plan beyond the here and now is so important versus living in the details of today. It's a balancing act frankly and most of us struggle with. Your job takes the biggest part of your day, focus and energy, and in order to be a good provider and make a big deal of Jesus where you work, you need to. Than there is marriage, being a Dad, your other relationships (family, friends) and hobbies, there is little time or energy left for anything or anyone else is there?
Question - How do you treat, honor, protect, respect and admire your wife? What would she say?
Question - Will your kids determine how they will treat or be treated by their spouse by how you treat yours? How confident are you that you will like what they have picked up from you?
Question - Does your wife get treated by you the way she truly desires? Have you even discussed what those desires are?
The other day I had just finished counseling with a couple and as we all walked out to the parking lot I noticed they both got into the car at the same time. Big miss!!! I want to do my best to open Karyn's door every time. Any door! She should expect and want to be honored in this simple way. She is easily capable of opening her own door and it takes more time to get where we are going by opening her door first, walking around the car and then getting in my door. But....what's the best thing? Are there other things we husbands can do in treating our wife with love, respect, honor and having her feel special? Lots of them. Make a list together. It's a lost art and I am afraid that kids are picking up the wrong things by watching their Dad not doing what could/should be done.
Here is where it plays out, one day your daughter will have a significant other, this guy will be sweeping your daughter off of her feet and you will land in one of two places with this initially.
1. He will treat her as good if not better than you do your wife.
2. He will not treat her with honor and you will notice.
3. What you do NOW in modeling the right thinks matters for the present and the FUTURE!
The same can be said if you have a son, he will pick up how you treat his Mom and will most likely treat his sweetie the same way. How would you feel?, As Dad's we know we'll never get it completely right, but WE DO WANT TO LEAVE A LEGACY and this is one great way to do so.
Treat your wife the way she desires (and a little bit more) she may not even know how to be treated because her Dad didn't do a good job with her Mom. But, she knows, she watches movies and TV shows and see's the right and wrong ways to be treated. Go the extra and watch out! Great things will happen, and IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!! If you already know you've not done well, confess it, admit it, and ask her how she desires to be treated. Take notes, write it down and figure out a course correction. The other great thing that will happen is your kids will pick up on this. Treat your daughter how she should be treated, teach and talk to your son about how to go about doing this! YOU CAN DO THIS! And everyone wins!
Question - How do you treat, honor, protect, respect and admire your wife? What would she say?
Question - Will your kids determine how they will treat or be treated by their spouse by how you treat yours? How confident are you that you will like what they have picked up from you?
Question - Does your wife get treated by you the way she truly desires? Have you even discussed what those desires are?
The other day I had just finished counseling with a couple and as we all walked out to the parking lot I noticed they both got into the car at the same time. Big miss!!! I want to do my best to open Karyn's door every time. Any door! She should expect and want to be honored in this simple way. She is easily capable of opening her own door and it takes more time to get where we are going by opening her door first, walking around the car and then getting in my door. But....what's the best thing? Are there other things we husbands can do in treating our wife with love, respect, honor and having her feel special? Lots of them. Make a list together. It's a lost art and I am afraid that kids are picking up the wrong things by watching their Dad not doing what could/should be done.
Here is where it plays out, one day your daughter will have a significant other, this guy will be sweeping your daughter off of her feet and you will land in one of two places with this initially.
1. He will treat her as good if not better than you do your wife.
2. He will not treat her with honor and you will notice.
3. What you do NOW in modeling the right thinks matters for the present and the FUTURE!
The same can be said if you have a son, he will pick up how you treat his Mom and will most likely treat his sweetie the same way. How would you feel?, As Dad's we know we'll never get it completely right, but WE DO WANT TO LEAVE A LEGACY and this is one great way to do so.
Treat your wife the way she desires (and a little bit more) she may not even know how to be treated because her Dad didn't do a good job with her Mom. But, she knows, she watches movies and TV shows and see's the right and wrong ways to be treated. Go the extra and watch out! Great things will happen, and IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!! If you already know you've not done well, confess it, admit it, and ask her how she desires to be treated. Take notes, write it down and figure out a course correction. The other great thing that will happen is your kids will pick up on this. Treat your daughter how she should be treated, teach and talk to your son about how to go about doing this! YOU CAN DO THIS! And everyone wins!
Sunday, February 18, 2018
How to Know If Your Marriage is Hibernating
While my wife and I were away on vacation this winter we came home to see that the water from our fish pond was nearly emptied as the fountain fell sideways, the pumped stopped and what little water was left inside, froze solid. And as it looked to us, the large goldfish we raised for a couple years were frozen too. But this morning, as the temps rose, the ice had melted and we actually saw the goldfish moving, they were alive!!! I know, they are just goldfish but we loved those guys and we were astonished. How did they survive?
Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it. Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating? Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily. Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay. If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon. Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage. What makes a marriage alive and thriving? What would you say to this question? You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws. Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.
Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage? When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids, your focus turns to them more than your marriage. These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating. The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few. Interested?
1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.
2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.
3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language. To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).
4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other. Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage. Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.
Now, go practice these few things, do your part.
*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling. Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.
Hibernation is a pretty amazing thing when you research it. Since I write mostly about marriage, the events of this morning, caused me to ask, is your marriage hibernating? Yes it's alive, but how much? Marriage can go into maintenance mode so easily. Many couples think that since they aren't arguing a lot that their marriage is okay. If not arguing is the goal for your marriage, than there is a different tact you may want to consider and I'll write about that in another blog coming soon. Being fully alive in your marriage is a description for a thriving marriage not a surviving marriage. What makes a marriage alive and thriving? What would you say to this question? You might say something like good communication, which can be described on many layers; you are speaking one another's love language well; you are making deposits into one another more than withdraws. Other things like looking forward to spending time alone as a couple and with others on a consistent basis as well as creating intentional memories to cherish for the rest of your marriage.
Now, what about complacent/frozen/stuck marriage? When you are more self serving than selfless; when you are pointing fingers at your spouse rather than at yourself, and when you are not looking forward to spending time together, and if you have kids, your focus turns to them more than your marriage. These would be some of the signs your marriage may be frozen and hibernating. The good news is that this can change with just a few adjustments, seriously just a few. Interested?
1. Pray for and with your spouse even it's just a minute praying together works! I know I cannot be true to God and my wife if I am harboring bad thoughts about her without taking care of them first before I pray with her. Pray = Transparent/honest communication.
2. Serve your spouse willingly, radically and without being asked AND without expecting something in return. Just serve them, Jesus came to serve not be served.
3. Become consistent and intentional in making deposits into your spouse by speaking their primary love language. To learn about that use this free assessment (you both take it).
4. Finally, if you have kids, make your marriage a bigger priority than your parenting. Granted you need to take care of and protect them but what your kids need more than you being a great parent is the security they will have knowing your both crazy about each other. Weekly, or at least consistent dates make a huge difference in feeding positive things into your marriage. Take turns planning your dates so that they stay creative and you both show that your marriage is important.
Now, go practice these few things, do your part.
*If your marriage is really stuck and these things seem unrealistic, may I suggest strongly scheduling professional Christian counseling. Sometimes we can't fix our marriage on our own.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Into Africa We Go!
God commands it, and we are compelled to go!
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